UPDATE 05/07: Tour 826Michigan "The Monster Union."

Wicker Park's 826CHI (www.826chi.org) is an after-school writing program for Chicago kids ages 6-18. The center is part of a nation-wide chain of free writing programs founded by novelist Dave Eggers, who also publishes the popular McSweeney's magazine and humor web site. The program has been offering drop-in tutoring, field trips and bookbinding programs for local school kids for more than a year and has just put the finishing touches on its storefront: a mysterious and often-times hilarious "secret agent supply store" known as "The Boring Store."

According to 826CHI Executive Director Leah Guenther, the secret camera-glasses, mustache disguise kits and underwater voice amplifiers in The Boring Store serve a triple purpose: they fund new programs for the 826CHI kids, jolt them with quick doses of imagination every time they drop by and grab the attention of every adult (a.k.a. potential volunteer) who secretly thinks he would have made one heck of a spy in another life.

Let's take a look at the only store in Chicago that denies its own existence.

Nothing else in Wicker Park looks quite like The Boring Store (google map location), however upon first glance, it's not clear exactly what this store sells. I'm not sure who designed the banner, though the line work does resemble that of Oak Park, Illinois' resident comic book phenom Chris Ware, whose work graces 826 Valencia. Notice the boring shapes and images in the boringly dressed man's head? Screws and drills. Odd. And boring of course.

The Boring Store addresses "All Your Hollow Needs" including but not limited to "openings, aperatures, punctures, perforations, pits, cavities, ditches, craters, crevices and just plan hollows."

The store's awning features a devilishly clever piece of writing that claims the Boring Store is NO LONGER selling ANYTHING of utility. They claim to sell only the most "characterless and opiating stock of wearisome and lifeless items available in the United States." Also if you believe them, the store hasn't had a customer in 28 years. The fine print even urges visitors to check out other "stores" in the area by name....Hmmmm....Odd how all the suggested stores seem to rhyme with "boring." I'm dying to hear what people make of this. I'm convinced there are hidden messages in it somewhere.

The Boring Store celebrated its "Bland Opening" Friday Feb 24, 2007. Remember, its NOT a secret agent supply store. Right. Each box claims to NOT contain assorted spy equipment. Let's head inside shall we?

Twenty-five surveillance cameras make for an uneasy greeting at the door. Nonetheless, these guys are the first thing you see once inside. Who knew such a boring store could be so paranoid?

When the cameras sense movement they adjust positioning, creating an unnerving and somewhat sinister chorus of muted whirring noises. I imagine it does not feel so different than being sized up by a platoon of hissing cobras.

Beyond the cameras, into the store we get our first full glimpse of the Boring Store's "true" purpose: selling crazy-odd spy gear! There are two spy gear shelves in the store. This one seems to focus more on concealment while the other, detailed below offers various special skills tools. The banana you see in the picture above is a "clever and unobtrusive cell phone hiding place." The labels on these boxes, like everything in the Boring Store, are written in the riotous, dry style common to McSweeney's. Stop and read every one of them. Here are some highlights:

Gear for sale p. 1

The box's delightful label informs inquisitors that these are NOT "Watergate Fingers" :

"The most influential legacy of the twentieth century boils down to one man, Bob Fosse. With his majesty in mind, we present you with these state of the art, jazz hand enhancers...which should never be confused with WATERGATE FINGERS. You would never use something like this to rifle through file cabinets in the dead of night, cursing your poor alphabetization skills all the while. You have no time for such shenanigans. You are too busy reworking your bowler hat routine."

I confess I messed around with this for a few minutes and couldn't figure out what the heck it was supposed to do! Any clues?

This is NOT a pair of "Heated Stakeout Gloves":

"Sure, these stylish mittens can convert into fingerless gloves at the drop of a hat, but the fun stops there. I mean, you can plug them into your computer's USB port but that's only so you don't lose them....These gloves will perform no special tasks and will certainly not warm instantly with the aid of two comfortable heating pads in each glove. But that shouldn't matter to you. That sort of thing would only be helpful if you were hiding in a van in Minsk, furiously typing memos on the comings and going of your target, the mysterious Douglas von Shet. Which you have never done.

I love it. Around the bend...

Directly opposite our mannequin, we find assorted fact sheets, calendars and announcements for 826CHI events like the recent "Mustache-a-thon." The center is hosting a "Cocktail and Story Hour" as a thank you to all Boring Store donors and to raise money for upcoming projects. Non-invitees are welcome to come at $100 per ticket. Click the yellow flyer thumbnail to the right for more details.

The Boring Place, like Tom Selleck, has a real thing for mustaches. The beige thing draped over the white wall there has to be Chicago's only "mustache sash."

Just around the corner is a pretty impressive assortment of books for sale along with 826CHI t-shirts. As with the spy gear, all proceeds go towards the writing program. I was thrilled to see McSweeney's recent edition of Chicagoan Harry Stephen Keeler's Riddle of the Traveling Skull in the mix (far bottom left). They're also hawking such classics as "Baby Fix My Car" "Animals of the Ocean: Giant Squid" "Believer" "Future Dictionary of America" by Eggers and Jonathan Safran Foer, "Housekeeping vs. The Dirt" by Nick Hornby and the very funny "How to Dress for every Occasion by the Pope."

The bright orange book in the center there is an 826CHI published collection of Chicago Bears-themed student writing. Nice title, eh? What else are you going to call it? One of my favorite pieces is the gleefully odd and (I think) unintentionally libelous "Devin Hester is Hiding in my Closet" by Mr. Alberto Collazo, which begins:

"Devin Hester is hiding in my closet. He got in there by pretending that my closet was the End Zone. I think that Brian Urlacher would tackle most people."

One of the two statements above is false. Students at 826CHI are encouraged to keep writing after they finish their homework each afternoon. When they can't think of anything to write about they're given a topic. "'Da Bears" came from students being told to write about Chicago's favorite sons.

Here we have the Boring Store's disguise-o-rama corner. With the new store finally installed, students are being told to write about the wigs here in the corner, about what they could get away with using them as disguises. According to Guenther, one boy charmingly wrote that he would use one of the wigs to disguise himself as his own grandmother. Then he would head over to his school to explain to his teacher that his grandson was staying home sick. Wigs, groucho glasses and MORE MUSTACHES! However, none of them can compare to the greatness that is...

...THE MUSTACHE WALLET! Outstanding, sir! This was my favorite item in the store by far. The caption in the frame is solid gold:

"The only reason wallets get stolen is because they look so much like wallets. This one, however, is carefully disguised."

How can you not want to take one of these home? At just $22?

The wall beyond disguise corner has loads more spy gear for sale. This of course means more grade-A humor writing on the labels...

Example: "The product within this box is not comprised of a thirty-three foot nylon rope and collapsible hook for grappling":

"This cannot be used to scale palace walls and infiltrate foreign embassies or to climb higher in the ranks of international espionage. It should not be used for grappliing or climbing purposes or it may result in physical injury to you and your general sense of decency. Grappling is for ninjas. Ninjas are known to be quite rude and are often caught grappling at the most inappropriate of moments such as weddings..."

Here's the Boring Store's back wall. Behind the shop's cashier desk (manned by Leah Guenther, 826CHI's executive director) notice the portal into the teaching area. According to Guenther, about 15 volunteers work with about 30 students every day during "drop-in" hours, which are Monday-Thursday from 3:00 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. The center also hosts field trips on weekday mornings, she said, focused either on storytelling or bookmaking.

The sign just left of the classroom window. 826CHI, like all the other programs nationwide says it believes "great leaps in learning can happen with one-on-one attention and that strong writing skills are fundamental to crucial success."

Having mustached our way around the store, our tour comes to an abrupt end. There isn't another store like The Boring Store in the city. The 826CHI team has put together an oddball, espionage fun-zone in the name of getting their kids psyched up for writing and it happens to be a fun place for adults to visit too, especially adults who appreciate good writing.

Guenther said she's received around 1000 applications from Chicagoans looking to tutor since the program started over a year ago. You can apply to volunteer here. If you live in Wicker Park. If you visit Wicker Park. Or, heck, if you just live in Chicago. You probably owe it to your inner child to drop by The Boring Store and snoop around, even if it's just to chuckle at the McSweeney's-esque labels on the spy gear and to try on a wig or two.

Who knows, maybe you'll find Devin Hester hiding in a closet somewhere.